Its been three years since I first blogged. From an initial reluctance to write about myself this blog has seen me getting more comfortable sharing the unanswered questions on my mind, how I feel/thing about certain issues and the going-ons in my life with fellow netizens who frequent my blog.
It has really been nice having you guys around. Thank You! Your comments made many a day for me.
Quite a few of my last posts have wallowed in self doubts and reveal a Me that is very skeptical of what is to come. In fact after five days at home, I find my recent posts rather depressing to read. :)
But this too shall pass.
Hoping I find myself again, very soon and you keep your patience till then. :)
And last but not the least, wishing my blog a Happy Birthday!!

A couple of days back somebody I hardly knew asked me if I believed in God. It had been quite a while since somebody had asked this question and I dint know what to say. Do I say No and be branded as an aetheist and a non-conformist? Do I say Yes? Saying the truth, atleast to the person in question was out of question - he wouldnt understand as wouldnt most people.

The truth is an indifference - It stopped worrying me a long time back as to why I dont know the answer to a question questioning my beliefs. This question used to drive me crazy back at school - I dint want to believe in a God to whom one prayed to, for good things. I believed that a li'l bit of hard work and some smart thinking was all that was required to create one's destiny. I dint want to believe in a God who was benevolent to his devotees inspite of whatever they had done. I dint want to believe in a God who was'nt always as fair and just as he would be expected to be. But most of all, I believed that the ultimate thing we all must answer to is our own conscience - If we can look into our own eyes without fear and with pride intact - thats all that matters. Because regardless who knows what, we would always know.

And as time went by, I stopped praying and going to temples on my own. I had my own strong sense of right and wrong and as long as I stayed within the boundaries of right, I had nothing to fear. I still went to temples with my parents though. I looked at the people around me, their radiant faces while they had their arms up in prayer - is this what belief and conviction do to people? The fact that there is a God who will always make things right for them must ease out of lots of things for them ( this is not meant to be condescending or patronising) - As for me, the truth that I can make my own destiny is also a bit overwhelming - What if I goof up? I am but a doubter amongst strong believers in a temple.

I try to reason out with myself as to how people had to invent this mythical God - those were the savage times - People could'nt be expected to know the right from wrong. They had to have a punishing Deity - like the ones numerous villages still have. And a benevolent God when they did the right things. The Pagan God was necessary to make sure people did'nt become arrogant because of what they had been able to achieve so far as much as to give a hope to people that they were'nt alone and that a much greater power would always step in when things got a bit rough.

Nothing helped though. Then I read Robert Langdon's Angels and Demons. It made a nice read. And it also set me thinking. There is a part when Victoria asks Langdon whether he believes in God. Langdon tells her how difficult it is for him to believe in a God who would 'rule in such a way' ( Codes of conduct, requirements and penalties).

And this is what Victoria says

"Mr. Langdon, I did not ask if you believe what man says about God. I asked if you believed in God. There is a difference. Holy scripture is stories . . . legends and history of man's quest to understand his own need for meaning. I am not asking you to pass judgment on literature. I am asking if you believe in God. When you lie out under the stars, do you sense the divine? Do you feel in your gut that you are staring up at the work of God's hand?"

( yea.even Fictional Novels and Romantic Commedies can have deep moments.)

And my answer is I dont know. When I was at the top a hillock at Trayambakeshwar or walking by the side of the creek in Dubai - I was overwhelmed. I had goosebumps all over me. I could'nt exactly put into words how I felt - but I knew I would always remember the feeling.

And so, when this guy asked me 'If I believed in God"; I said yes. Yea I do but perhaps not the same sort of God. And perhaps not the same kind of belief. I dont know if I am agnostic, pagan or simply aetheist. And it doesnt bother me.

Koi To Ho...

koi to ho jiske liye jeena ho to marnaa paDe
ho koi to ho jiske liye jeena ho to marnaa paDe
arey marnaa ho to, jeenaa paDe
baDi mushqil hai ye dil vil, ye dil vil uf allaah
ye dil vil uf allaah

koi to ho jiske liye jeena ho to marnaa paDe
arey he he marnaa ho to, jeenaa paDe

ho.. koi to ho, mil jaaye to
hey.. shaaKhoN pe rakh ke aise sajaayeN
aaNkhoN mein saare mausam bitaayeN
shabnam mein bheegi baaten sunaayeN
aaNkhoN mein saare mausam bitaayeN
ke aaNkhoN mein, koi to ho jiske liye jeena ho to marnaa paDe
arey marnaa ho to, jeenaa paDe

huN.., ta na na ta na te re na, ta na te re na

aisaa bhi hogaa ek roz to, jab tum hamaare ghar aao to
ho ruk jaayeN saari duniyaa ke raste
aa jaayeN aaNsoo jab haNste haNste
phir nahin aanaa, na kahin jaanaa
ruk jaayeN raahen, muk jaayeN raste ke raste mein
koi to ho jiske liye jeena ho to marnaa paDe
arey koi to ho jiske liye jeena ho to marnaa paDe
baDi mushqil hai ye dil vil, ye dil vil uf allaah
ye dil vil uf allaah

My worst fear just came true last sunday. Somebody I hadnt met until that day, walked upto me and enquired "Are'nt you the one who is feeling not so great about all her friends getting married?".

It was the Indibloggers meet - the first bloggers meet I have ever attended and Man, was it fun! We were supposed to be meeting at three in a banquet hall in Prabhadevi and close to one, I almost chickened out. I wasnt very sure whether I wanted to go. My friends joked about psychopaths and mafia dropping in. As for me, I was pretty sure I would not know a single soul there. As I willed myself to leave the guest house, my mother's words kept ringing in my ears - "Dont ever talk to strangers". And here I was, precisely doing that, even traversing half the city to do that.

I bought my ticket in the Andheri station and boarded the train and put on my not so brand new Zen MP4 player - only to have 'Mama told Me....Dont be talking to a stranger..' screaming out. I almost got down at Ville Parle, but my dear mother had told me never to get down from a running bus, leave alone a running train. :)

As I entered the banquest hall, I realised I was the first non-organiser to arrive. How is it that a person like me - who has never reached school on time, who always had college bus drivers cursing me and who had all the colleagues in the office bus trying to tell me very nicely that my story was like all fine and hillarious, but would I please mind being on time the next day - managed to be early at the wrong places.
But and there always has to be a but - we had gracious hosts, who did their best to make everybody feel at home and whats more important, succeeded.
We had folks who were running or were part of internet businesses.There was one guy I'll have to make a special mention of, though. He was a professional blogger and had been providing content for a blog on parenthood. And no.. He was'nt a father. He talked about how his work had been stressful. That proves it guys - You can not mix business and pleasure. ;)
Anyways all's well that ends well. He was there to talk on "How to make money on internet" and left us saying he was soon gonna have a personal blog.
There was a representive from Microsoft, the sponsors - a final year engineering student from Chennai - Cant believe I was her, just some three years back. Time does fly very fast.
I have one crib though - there was a question on the feedback asking me if the agenda of the meet was a relevant one. And I was like 'Did I miss something there?'. All in all it was as if we had been given a full license to have fun ( Not that I am complaining ;) )and even the presentation on the Microsoft Live Writer dint mar the afternoon. Actually it was a good one - short and sweet. And moi thinks I might just use it.
So all in all here is to some four hours of fun, a nice spread which was more of lunch and less of high tea and some great acquaintances!
The super deli-lick-ious ice cream was a real wow. And so was the afternoon.

I cant believe it! I just can not fathom it. People around me are getting married, engaged and committed. Friends, class mates and colleagues - some my age and some younger than me.
In the beginning it was fun. I got to dress up, go to their weddings, feast on various delicacies and have fun. There was always this question of what to gift. But then, I have always had friends who were too good at things like these. So I never really worried about that.
It was my school mate who started it, right after we finished our boards. Yup. You got that right, at seventeen. Then it was J, another school mate who got married when she finished college. I was still in college then. Then there were two college mates who eloped. They were the talk of the college for days to come.Another college mate got married and came back for her final semester. And then there were always other friends, my best friend included who were busy getting married and setting up house while I was away in a B-School.
But all of these were very sporadic "instances".
But now. Now there is one whole slew of people I know waiting to tie the knot. The people with whom I played ring-a-ring-a-roses are now busy planning their lives. And the others who have already done so, have all fit in so very well into the roles of ideal wives, daughters-in-law, sisters-in-law and so on. I asked one friend who got married last year if I could ever ever do it. Pat came her well practiced reply, "Of course you can and you will. I mean there will always be this fear. I mean its such a big responsibility... Such a big step. Some guy you dont know. And a whole new family that you need to accept.....Everything is so very new...." That was the day I realised two things. One, My own friends were getting ready to be wives and mommies and that they were trying out all their new knowledge on me. Two, my idea of a marriage was'nt exactly shared by my friends. One reinforced what I had suspected for a very long time, that most of my friends and class mates thought of me as somebody who dint know any better and who had to be "guided". Two added to my friends' belief that I had to go against whatever was traditional and acceptable. I dint quite like the very ideas!
Disclaimer : Before the few smart alecs I have amongst my readers, who never see the point and have always mis-read my posts start writing off this post as an "Everybody around me is getting married, And Oh I am so very single" post, thats just so very not right.
And its not that I cant handle something thats supposedly so very grown up either.
I have always thought of my family in terms of my parents, myself and my sister. Leaving this family to start another one, where I did be what my mother was to my father, me and my sister is not something I ever thought I was gonna deal with. I have'nt ever thought of myself as a wife or a parent. Its not about growing old, its about having to play other roles.
Its just that I am yet to figure out myself and what I exactly want to do with my life. And people around me have made very crucial life decisions. One friend of mine even has a two and a half year old kid.
Some where deep down, within myself, something tells me while I cant handle the idea of being responsible for myself, some people my age are responsible for others. They even welcome and reach out to this "additional" responsibility. While I am just cautiously testing the shallow waters of responsiblity, the kids I grew up with are very confidently swimming in deep waters.
Am I just being the late bloomer I have always been, needing more time than everybody else to get used to an idea? Have all those friendly taunts of not being great with responsibilities and being a goofer emotionally scarred me for life?

Work In Progress

The ignominy of being forgotten did me in I think.
To do prison time for three years is one thing. To do prison time for a crime you dint commit is another.
I was a nice guy. A decent guy.Intelligent. Not your IIT types. But willing to learn and work hard.We were doing good. Me and my wife that is. Our own flat, two BHK and fully furnished. I had a bike and we were going to buy a car.My wife was beautiful,graceful,smart and when she said yes, I couldnt believe my luck.Such things dint happen to guys like me every day, but when it did I promised to myself that I would make it work.That I would one day be worthy of her love. I loved her dearly.
I killed my wife. Or so they said.She went missing and her parents filed a complaint against me. Our neighbours whenquestioned told the police of how I did come drunk every night and how me and my wife used to fight, day in and day out.They told the police about how much of a fairy tale princess she was, which she was; and also how I dint deserve an angel like her. I very totally agreed with them, silently. And in two weeks, I was arrested.

Yesteryear Rapunzel wants to visit the hair saloon

My to- do-list (Oh yea. I make them. Every time. Not that I stick to it. And neither can I find them when I need them.) for this weekend reads

Go Jogging
Do the laundry
Dry them ( for those of you who think this ought to follow, you dont know me!)
Iron them
Make the IT investments
Do a bit of studying ( I actually feel a bit guilty these days, not having done any studying over the past one year, after having been a student for like 21 years)
Vist the saloon
Make the shopping list
Go shopping

Now all the items on the list are plain enough excepting one. Now I sure am the one for procastinating things,put off things for tomorrow.
Aaj Karai So Kal kar, Kal karai so parson.
Pal me Parlay hoyegi, Tho karne kaheki Zaroorath
is how I used to jocularly recite one of Kabir's couplets.

Now, there is one thing on the list, that I have thought about, for like years.I have wanted to do it for years. Nope. Not my clothes. I wash them every week, how much ever I hate the job. :)Its the visit the saloon part.
For years I have worn my hair long. Plaited it actualy. Owgay... Oiled it and plaited it - my mother that is. I have had to compete with my locks for my mother's attention all these years. Me thinks she loves it more than me. She fed my okra aka math curry so that I could become another Ramanjum and milk and eggs 'cos it was good for my hair. She applied oil to my hair everyday and made me wash it with Shikakkai once a week. She forbade me to use the hair dryer. She religiously cut my hair every other fortnight, once in a while - the fortnight when the moon was waxing. It dint help. Sigh. And dint help to have a cousin whose hair was the envy of half of Hyderabad. The other half doesnt concern itself with such petty things. They have world peace and Tollywood dance moves to think about.
Now you always yearn for things that you dont have and cant have. And yearn I did. My sister had a hair cut. The lady at the beauty parlour wouldnt touch mine - she said she wasnt gonna chop away my beautiful locks because of my momentary fancies.
Hmmm.. Those were the days... When I was like the Rapunzel of my class....But when I am no longer one and when I no longer live at home, so that my mom can continue to maintain my hair, I reasoned out I definitely wanted and was "eligible" for a hair cut. Now, thats not very difficult right?
Wrong..... Not when you are me and have a mother like my mother. For years, she has been putting it off, citing every possible and impossible lame excuse and for years I have not had my hair cut. I guess its because its due to her genes that I used to have beautiful hair once and also because so much of hardwork and time ( my mother's of course!) has gone into it. And I guess she has'nt yet lost the hope that one fine day, my hair will mysteriously start growing and regain its lost glory.
The last time I went home, I went back to begging - putting on my charming persuasive self that my mother can look through.And she relented! Wow!!!! Finally.... And off we went to a hair saloon... Nope. I couldnt get one done that day. But what the hair stylist was just not so nice.. She told me I had very thin hair ( sob sob) and should go in for a step cut...You should have seen me some eight years back Lady!!
For those of you who know me and dont remember the long hair, it was before you. For those of you who have known me for a very long time and dont remember the long hair, you are suffering from amnesia. For those of you who think I am just plain deluded, please dont tell me so.
Now that its a green signal from Amma Jaan, all that is needed for me is to go a saloon. But the thing is.. Now I am not so sure if I want one. Like I am so very used to whatever it is that I see on the mirror.I mean you get used to things that you have been living with, for 24 years and 10 months and your mirror reflection is one of them.
I even bought some special green coloured oil that claims to make my hair grow stronger and longer, the other day, with the fond hope of giving my cousin some healthy competition. That runs in the family I guess - hoping I mean. Even when it is hope against hope hopen kinda hope.
I just hope I dont chicken out this weekend. I mean I hope if I do chicken out, I chicken out before going to the saloon;not while I am on the high raise chair. I hope I dont go shrieking when the hair stylist takes out her scissors. I hope I dont get to shriek after the job is all done. And I hope my mirror continues to smile at me.